Immutable Ramblings: My Fierce Story #FierceFund

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

My Fierce Story #FierceFund


Disclaimer: As a member of Clever Girls Collective, I've agreed to share my Fierce Story and The Fierce Fund Project. All thoughts and opinions expressed are my own.   

I grew up my entire life dealing with hurt, pain, disappointment, fear, and even depression. Yet it wasn't until today that I realized my whole life I've been fierce. I was born in New York, where we lived in an apartment building with a lower level that was overtaken by drug dealers and drug addicts. When we left NY, it was supposed to be for a better living situation, only things got drastically worse, my mother would work job after job and my father well, let's not even speak on him, it was a lot for a child to take in, a lot for child to endure, but we kept on.

Fast forward through the struggle, the changes, the divorce of my parents, the constant moving, and to finally settling somewhere, making friends and moving on.

I struggled through high school to the point where it was almost easier to drop out, but I didn't and I prevailed. After high school I went to the military and I served about a year and a half before I came home, at age 19 with my first born. Both a fierce and a disappointing period of my life. 

Fast forward through heartbreak, falling in love again, enduring multiple miscarriages, massive heartbreak, defeat, and to being humbled. In 2005, I would find myself alone and struggling to provide for my daughter and I, I found myself needing a lot of help, that's when I went on public assistance, got my life together, and got off public assistance. 

In 2008, my boyfriend and I reunited and a year later, I would find myself pregnant again, for gosh who knows what number of pregnancy 7, 8, 9, maybe and that pregnancy would give me my second child and within a year after her, another miscarriage. You think I would have learned,  you would think I would've stopped, but yet I kept on.  In 2010, we wed,  and that caused a lot of friction and drama between my family and I, and THAT nearly broke my spirit, but with our love, we kept on.


It wouldn't be until 2012, that I would have to prove just how fierce I really am. I know I said that I've experienced miscarriage after miscarriage, but, this one, would impact me the most. Most of my miscarriages were within the first five weeks of pregnancy, before there was even a baby, before there was even a heartbeat, before, well before anything would even materialize in my womb. But losing Adalia, losing Adalia would nearly break me.

Side note: My first daughter was born via c-section, so you must know that more times than none, when you have a c-section, you cannot ever deliver vaginally without posing potential risk to yourself. It was something that for a long time I regretted (though I couldn't change it),  I felt shafted out of that experience....It was something that I longed for, but was able to experience while losing Adalia. 

I originally thought that I would share my entire experience losing Adalia, but I'm not. I prayed for her every day and every appointment, I was overcome with fear that I wouldn't see her, I wouldn't get to hear her heartbeat, that she'd be gone, and as every appointment showed growth and positive progress, so did our faith. We were at the cusp of "being safe", that point in your pregnancy when your risk of miscarriage diminishes drastically. I became ill, I had an infection, and there was this blood clot in my uterus that if it grew too large, we'd lose our baby. Late one night, I'd experience what I know now to be my water breaking, and the next day, I'd experience contractions and labor, and that evening I'd deliver and give birth to our Angel. The events that followed I cannot even begin to describe, but seeing her, holding her in the palm of my hand, looking at all of her little teeny tiny perfection, I didn't want to live.

I struggled to regain a sense of self, how do you come back from that? I kept face for my family, I tried not to cry in front of them, but I ached for her, I longed to hold her again, I wanted to see her eyes, and feel her soft skin, I wanted her... After many months of sulking in my own miserable depression, I woke and I realized that I am BLESSED. I have 4 other children, and though I do not understand why God chose to take her away after we filled up with faith and the promise of the most amazing miracle, I had to be a mother to the ones who are here, they needed me and I needed them. I wasn't just going through the motions anymore, this was/is my life.


It's been a year since we lost her, and I think of her every single day, being here and living, the ability to suffer and prevail when you no longer think you can, that, that right there is what makes me fierce.


What is the Fierce Fund? (Provided Information)

Every woman has a story of strength. To recognize and celebrate these stories, and to ensure women and girls are always empowered to be Fierce, Clever Girls Collective is proud to announce The Fierce Fund, a corporate advised fund of Silicon Valley Community Foundation.

In 2013, The Fierce Fund will donate $20,000 in support of nonprofit initiatives that celebrate, encourage, and elevate women and girls. 
 
I wanted to participate in The Fierce Fund Project with Clever Girls Collective because I have a story, a story that has impacted and strengthened me to be the woman, mother, wife, daughter, sister, and friend that I am today. The Fierce Fund and Clever Girls Collective encourages women to be empowered, to share their stories and to be recognized for their strength and courage. Their Mantra is: “Innovate. Elevate. Be Fierce.” It speaks volumes about what The Fierce Fund Project is and how the $20,000 donation will help one amazing project. They're all great projects that support women in a wonderful, amazing, and a fabulously fierce way. I'll admit though, the hardest part is choosing which one is more worthy than the other.

To read more and vote for your favorite cause please visit The Fierce Fund online at Clever Girls Collective here: http://clevergirlscollective.com/fiercefund/


Have a story of a time you were Fierce? Want to help Clever Girls Collective support women and girls to be Fierce? Visit www.clevergirlscollective.com/fiercefund to learn more about this girl-power project!

Disclaimer: As a member of Clever Girls Collective, I've agreed to share my Fierce Story and The Fierce Fund Project. All thoughts and opinions expressed are my own.  

Until Next Time,



12 comments :

  1. You are definitely a brave & fierce woman! {HUG}

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  2. You are AMAZING Rose. I love you! Btw, I never realized but your story of your last miscarriage sounds quite a bit like my SIL's, so heartbreaking. *big hugs*

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    1. Angie, you saying that means a lot! We'll NEVER forget her, or everything that happened and led up to her loss. Much love to you Angie!

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    1. I don't know that its wonderful, but definitely challenging and a blessing to have survived it without succumbing to depression or worse.

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  4. I am proud of you for taking the time to not only reflect and realize but to also share this story. I was a teen mom as well and I understand the struggles. You are amazing to overcome the obstacles put in your way by your upbringing and continuing on to graduate high school. Good for you! Beautiful photos as well.

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    1. Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. Life growing up wasn't easy, had I planned better, I might have avoided some of the many challenges I encountered, but nothing comes even remotely close to what I felt, how I felt, after we lost our little one last year. Losing her nearly broke me and my family. God has blessed us with so much strength, more than I could ever imagine!

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  5. You are definitely Fierce!! Thank you for sharing this story. I can't imagine the strength it took.

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  6. Girl, you are fierce and praise God for that strength!! Great post!

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  7. You are an amazing women Rose. Not only did you overcome your struggles but you did it with a smile.

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Thank you for your thoughtful comment ~ Rose